My 911 Calls

Weird: "There's a car spun out in the median."
Operator: Did this just happen?
"I can't tell. It's covered in a bit of ice. But I just didn't feel comfortable."

Even weirder: "We were driving westbound on 490, by the airport exit, and a car just lost control. It spun out and hit a huge light pole and knocked it over."
Operator: What color is the vehicle?
"White, I mean, no, black. I'm not sure."



Weirdest: "There's a fire in my kitchen! And the flames are shooting up into the ceiling. And, uh, well, my brother just knocked the plastic dish onto the floor and put it out. Do you still have to come?"
Operator (exasperated): Yes.

Dental Hygiene

DUMB: Skipping brushing your teeth after eating garlic toast.

DUMBER: Trying to brush your teeth in the dark so you don't wake up your kids and you put diaper rash cream on the toothbrush instead of toothpaste.



DUMBEST: Telling your wife's family to be careful not to stab themselves with the blunt end of a toothbrush.



"Which end, exactly, isn't blunt?"

The Real Petroleum Crisis

DEEP: Who cares that gas is over $4 a gallon. I'll pay whatever-the-heck the oil companies demand, because I am not willing to give up my Dodge Neon and I can't quit my other-side-of-the-county job.

DEEPER: But what's gonna happen when we stop drilling for oil and our supply of petroleum jelly, AKA Vaseline, runs out?



DEEPEST: Think about it!

Chapped lips everywhere. People won't be able to go skiing. Kids won't be able to roll around in the snow.

THIS is what the politicians and pundits should be debating, not OPEC.

Welcome!

Everything I've read indicates that blogs should be focused and professional to acquire a large number of readers.

I plan on ignoring that advice.